A defining moment

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." - Joshua 1:9

"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."  - Hebrews 13:5

Do you ever have an experience that makes you look at some of these verses totally differently?  I had one of those experiences this summer.

Last week, I was catching up with a friend and talking about the past year or so and the different events that have happened.  I was telling them about something that happened really unexpectedly and was kind of a painful ordeal.

It happened late in the summer and without going into all the details, it was one of those defining moments.  One of those moments that you'll remember every painful detail of for a long, long time.  One of those moments that you know will change and alter the course of your life and your relationships.  One of those moments that you don't choose, but it chooses you.

The moment happened.  It involved tears and confusion, sadness and heartache.  I didn't know how to handle it.  I was overwhelmed with emotion and so unsure of what just happened and trying to comprehend that it actually did just happen.

I needed comfort.

I came home and did what I always do when I need comfort.   I went to bed.  Just crawled right in, covered up and cried.

But that doesn't help, not for very long at least.

I needed a hug.

I needed someone to hold me and make me feel protected, make me feel loved, make me feel cared for.  I needed someone to console me.

But I didn't have anyone to get that from.  Yes I could have called a friend but I would have felt like I was a bother or interrupting.  Besides, they would probably ask what was going on and I didn't even understand it enough to explain.  It was an awkward situation and I didn't need someone to talk to, I needed someone to comfort me.

So I turned to the Lord. 

He already knew the situation.  He knew the pain in my heart.  I asked Him to comfort me.

He did.

I don't know if I can fully explain or describe it, but He comforted me with His supernatural comfort.  I literally felt as though He was right here with me, holding me and comforting me.  He made me feel protected, loved and cared for.  It was unlike any kind of comfort I have ever experienced before.  It was indescribable.  It was wonderful.  It was miraculous.  It was tender.

I read those verses in Joshua and Hebrews now and man, they have a whole new meaning.  I have experienced them.  I have experienced the fact that when you literally have no one around, I always have God.  ALWAYS!

Oh the comfort that that brings!  It makes me tear up just thinking about it.  He doesn't have to do that.  He didn't have to be there for me that night.  He didn't have to allow me to feel His comfort and His presence, but He did anyways.

I also realized that night that I am very thankful for this time of being single.  I don't know how long it will last or if it will ever even end.  But I realized that night that if I were in a relationship, I would have sought out comfort from them (boyfriend/husband).  It's the natural thing to do.  But since I don't have that, I have God.

And that is all I need.

It doesn't surprise me at all that Hebrews 13:5 talks about contentment and not being covetous.  To me, that verse speaks to the fact that God is here - always here - and He is enough.  We ought to be content with Him and Him alone.

I sure am.  He continues to amaze me and reveal Himself unto me and all it does is cause me to desire more and more of Him!  Lately, I feel like I just can't get enough of Him.  (and I am loving it!) 

I'm thankful tonight for those defining moments...for those moments that choose us because it's through those moments, that God can really work and we can really grow closer to Him!

What it's all about...

A couple of weeks ago a group of us from church went out street preaching.  We just gathered together, sang a song, spread out over the intersection with scripture signs and the guys preached.

I was holding a sign with the following verse on it:

"For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord" 2 Corinthians 4:5a

That verse has stuck in my mind and in my heart for the past few weeks.   God's been reminding me that it's not all about me.  It's not about what I want, it's not about what I do or don't have, it's not about what I am comfortable with. 

It's about Him.  It's about what He wants, what He desires for me, where He wants me, doing what He wants me to do.  He created me, placed me where He has placed me.  I need to look around and see what He wants me to do rather than poke around and see what I want. 

"Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God."  1 Corinthians 10:31

Boy, have I ever needed that reminder. I have allowed myself to take my focus off Him and instead followed whatever it is that I want. 

Wrong. Wrong.  Wrong.

God doesn't want me to be unhappy but I know that I will be most happy when I am following Him and His guiding and directing of my life, not following my own selfish desires and wants.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:4-5

I'm sorry for not being committed to you like I ought to, Lord.  Thank you for reminding me that I was created for Your pleasure.  I was put here to serve You.  Thank you for the opportunity to get back on track.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."  John 3:30

Help me, Lord, to be decreased.

A broken heart

God broke my heart the other night.

It needed it.

I didn't realize it needed it, but God knew. 

I was at a special prayer meeting at church on Friday night.  We had 3 different rooms, different things to pray for in each room and 45 minutes in each room.  I really enjoy these nights.  They are good for me.  It reminds me of how much I fall short in my prayer life and it's also a good opportunity to pray with church family.

But something unexpected happened on Friday night.  I was in the room where we pray for leaders and also give thanks.  In this room we broke off individually and prayed - just one on one with God.  When I came to the part of things to give thanks for the first thing on the list was salvation.  As I began to pray and thank God for saving me, I really began to consider and reflect on what it really entailed.

I became overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with gratitude.

He was mocked. scorned. rejected. spit upon. beaten.    for me.

I am so completely and utterly unworthy and undeserving of Him and of the gift of salvation. 

I sin and neglect Him and His Word and His teaching and His guiding and directing in my life so often.  He brings opportunities to me and I ignore them or refuse them.

And yet, He still went to the cross - not only went to the cross but actually carried it - for me.

My mind was blown.  That is incomprehensible love.

I thanked Him for loving me.

He doesn't have to.  I'm not easy to love.  I disappoint.  I can hurt and can cause pain.  I do and say the wrong thing far too often.

Yet, He loves me.  He loves me more than I can understand.  He loves me unlike anyone else can love me.  He has loved me from before I was ever created and He will love me forever.

I thanked Him for my health.  He healed me.  He healed my leg. 

I had given up hope.  I knew God could heal it but I had given up faith that He would heal it.  I had convinced myself that it was something I had to live with and I did, for 3 years.  I figured it would eventually get bad enough where it would just have to be amputated and I had been preparing myself for that result.

But God had other plans.  I know I didn't deserve His healing but He gave it to me despite my unbelief.  Words cannot not begin to express my gratitude for that.  When you come to a point of convincing yourself you may lose your leg and instead God heals it within  weeks - trust me, it takes awhile for it to set in.  I'm still trying to believe it - seems too good to be true sometimes.

But that's God and that's why He is more than worthy of our thanks.

I also thanked God for being my friend.

Honestly, I struggle with loneliness sometimes.  But Friday night, He reminded me that He is always there and He brought to mind all the different times when He has always come through for me.  He is always there to listen.  He always cares.  He's always interested.  He doesn't interrupt.  He lets me go on and on and on about the silly things but He listens.  He cares.  He's always there.  He's my Friend.

I was broken down and weeping by this point.  I couldn't control it.  He had broken my hard and unthankful heart. 

But He was right there to pick up the pieces and to hold it in it's fragility.  He broke it so that I might be able to offer it to Him to fix and to fill with the right things.

I know He was there.  The Bible tells us in Matthew 18:20, "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

He was in that church.  He was in that nursery room.  He was knelt down next to me and had His hand upon me.  I know He was because I felt Him.  I felt His presence. 

I needed that.  I hadn't realized it, but it had been too long since I had felt closeness of that caliber with Him.  He didn't have to allow me to feel His presence, but I am thankful for it.  I'm thankful He was that close because I could no longer vocalize my prayer.  I was too overwhelmed and had to finish praying simply from my heart.

I'm so thankful for that time I got to spend with Him.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  But one thing I am most thankful for is that I can have that with Him at anytime.  The God of the universe, who spoke life and earth and created the stars also, Him, I get to talk to Him, whenever I want. 

I'm glad God saw the state of my heart, when I didn't.  I'm glad He broke it and emptied it of all the pride and selfishness.  I'm glad He has since refilled it with His love and desires to please and serve Him.