A broken heart

God broke my heart the other night.

It needed it.

I didn't realize it needed it, but God knew. 

I was at a special prayer meeting at church on Friday night.  We had 3 different rooms, different things to pray for in each room and 45 minutes in each room.  I really enjoy these nights.  They are good for me.  It reminds me of how much I fall short in my prayer life and it's also a good opportunity to pray with church family.

But something unexpected happened on Friday night.  I was in the room where we pray for leaders and also give thanks.  In this room we broke off individually and prayed - just one on one with God.  When I came to the part of things to give thanks for the first thing on the list was salvation.  As I began to pray and thank God for saving me, I really began to consider and reflect on what it really entailed.

I became overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with gratitude.

He was mocked. scorned. rejected. spit upon. beaten.    for me.

I am so completely and utterly unworthy and undeserving of Him and of the gift of salvation. 

I sin and neglect Him and His Word and His teaching and His guiding and directing in my life so often.  He brings opportunities to me and I ignore them or refuse them.

And yet, He still went to the cross - not only went to the cross but actually carried it - for me.

My mind was blown.  That is incomprehensible love.

I thanked Him for loving me.

He doesn't have to.  I'm not easy to love.  I disappoint.  I can hurt and can cause pain.  I do and say the wrong thing far too often.

Yet, He loves me.  He loves me more than I can understand.  He loves me unlike anyone else can love me.  He has loved me from before I was ever created and He will love me forever.

I thanked Him for my health.  He healed me.  He healed my leg. 

I had given up hope.  I knew God could heal it but I had given up faith that He would heal it.  I had convinced myself that it was something I had to live with and I did, for 3 years.  I figured it would eventually get bad enough where it would just have to be amputated and I had been preparing myself for that result.

But God had other plans.  I know I didn't deserve His healing but He gave it to me despite my unbelief.  Words cannot not begin to express my gratitude for that.  When you come to a point of convincing yourself you may lose your leg and instead God heals it within  weeks - trust me, it takes awhile for it to set in.  I'm still trying to believe it - seems too good to be true sometimes.

But that's God and that's why He is more than worthy of our thanks.

I also thanked God for being my friend.

Honestly, I struggle with loneliness sometimes.  But Friday night, He reminded me that He is always there and He brought to mind all the different times when He has always come through for me.  He is always there to listen.  He always cares.  He's always interested.  He doesn't interrupt.  He lets me go on and on and on about the silly things but He listens.  He cares.  He's always there.  He's my Friend.

I was broken down and weeping by this point.  I couldn't control it.  He had broken my hard and unthankful heart. 

But He was right there to pick up the pieces and to hold it in it's fragility.  He broke it so that I might be able to offer it to Him to fix and to fill with the right things.

I know He was there.  The Bible tells us in Matthew 18:20, "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

He was in that church.  He was in that nursery room.  He was knelt down next to me and had His hand upon me.  I know He was because I felt Him.  I felt His presence. 

I needed that.  I hadn't realized it, but it had been too long since I had felt closeness of that caliber with Him.  He didn't have to allow me to feel His presence, but I am thankful for it.  I'm thankful He was that close because I could no longer vocalize my prayer.  I was too overwhelmed and had to finish praying simply from my heart.

I'm so thankful for that time I got to spend with Him.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  But one thing I am most thankful for is that I can have that with Him at anytime.  The God of the universe, who spoke life and earth and created the stars also, Him, I get to talk to Him, whenever I want. 

I'm glad God saw the state of my heart, when I didn't.  I'm glad He broke it and emptied it of all the pride and selfishness.  I'm glad He has since refilled it with His love and desires to please and serve Him.